This is sort of an open letter to my life partner.
“I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.” Calvin/Bill Watterson
It's much easier to have high expectations of others than to live up to someone else's high expectations.
I'm no slacker when it comes to unreasonable demands, on myself as much as on others. I once described my faith as "misanthropic secular humanist" because I truly madly deeply believe in the ability of every person to reach inspiring heights. We are an infinitely talented and brilliantly intelligent species. "Misanthropic" because I'm so often disappointed with what we choose to do with our time instead. So few people try very hard to do anything impressive. If we all spent more time improving ourselves instead of watching reality TV, what a wonderful world it might be.
Today though, I'm facing more than the mundane occurrence of me failing to meet my own expectations. I'm dreading the possibility of failing to meet YOUR expectations. You've given me another full weekend without obligations in order to study. You've put so much support behind me that I find it uncomfortable. Discomfort isn't per se a bad thing. We grow when we reach out of our comfort zone. Generally when I push myself to my limits, the only person I had to worry about disappointing was me but I know I will always forgive myself. I'm less blithe about disappointing you. It's got me tangled up in knots.
Tomorrow I'll take this infernal exam. Before I go back to my studies, let's put this in perspective.
I'm taking a test, nothing more. Passing or failing it will be a measure of something, but not of my worth. I'd rather measure my worth in a currency of attempts made. It means something to try, right? I'm doing this, cold-turkey, self-taught, with the decidedly unhelpful influences of a newborn and a preschooler. If I don't pass, it won't mean much. I can't allow it to mean much because my career is only there hovering because of my sheer will to believe in it and I can't afford to weaken my belief. I know what I want and I'll get it regardless of the results on a computerized exam tomorrow.
If I pass, it will give me a few more letters behind my name, to share space with the MURP. If I pass, it's a bit of updraft in my career's long hover, waiting for the next direction it takes.
I love my once- and future-career. This test and its results won't change that. I also love my family and work to live up to your highest expectations. The test and its result won't change that either.
Now that I've parked those anxieties here, I'm back to the studying.
“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” Michelangelo
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