Ritual, Tradition, and Habit

Today after church, the girls and I popped into a meeting on integrating ritual into daily life. I've been craving more ritual, more opportunities to center myself and my family, and so I went hoping to get some insights into how our chosen faith (Unitarian Universalism) can enrich the rituals of our lives. The sermon had focused on the flaming chalice, the symbol of the UUs and the myriad meanings behind it. 

In true UU fashion, it was a friendly and open gathering, but with little substantive... because we are encouraged to define things for ourselves. We covered some very basic ideas, like bedtime rituals. I came away noticing that we tended to confuse rituals with habits and traditions.

When asked about an evening ritual, WeeE (she's wee to me again this week) volunteered that we watch Scooby Doo. Indeed we do, resulting in the nightly pain of having that song stuck in my head again. Other families noted morning rituals of having the kids run downstairs to play or watch TV. Yes, the parents shared a shame-faced glance of shared guilt. That's why we were in this meeting after all - we all wonder how we can bring something more meaningful and deliberate into our days, months, and years. We left with a slightly better sense of some church traditions (annual Halloween Haunted House) and a sense that we aren't alone in wanting something "more" in our daily actions.

What is a ritual and how is it different from a tradition or a habit?

To me, a ritual is important in the focus and deliberate intention of the act. Lighting a chalice is a ritual, although to another person lighting a candle in a cup may not mean anything special. The intent imbues it with the power of ritual. You may convincingly argue that a cup of coffee in the morning is a ritual. And perhaps it is for some. But for most, it's just a habit. WeeE's former school started with a ritual morning hand-shake with the head of the school. You might argue that it was a tradition, but it had meaning, no child was skipped, no morning missed - it was a ritual beginning of the day and it meant you started the day with respect and a friendly touch. The power of ritual is what you put into it.

A tradition can be powerful and full of intent, but it differs from ritual. We traditionally spend Solstice with my family and Christamas Eve with my husband's family, but these two visits are not rituals. Opening gifts on Christmas morning is not a ritual, though, oh my, I wish I knew how to make gift giving/receiving something more holy and deliberate for children. As it is, they have no idea who gave them anything in the frenzy to consume and I just can't abide considering that a ritual.

I want more rituals - more moments of the divine, more moments of deliberate silence or thoughtfulness. To the handful of folks who read this, any suggestions from your own families? Large or small rituals, all religion traditions welcome. We fashion our own from many, always with as much respect to the source as possible. The best suggestions are those that convey well with children.

Comments

[Kerridwen]

I loved reading this. Thanks for sharing it!

We have a morning ritual of lighting a chalice on an altar with a battery-operated plastic tea light. I was actually thinking of buying a lot of these to give the preschoolers as a "graduation" gift from the nursery/playgroup. My son likes to push the button to turn on the flame, and we say the same chalice lighting words with the American Sign Language.

Our version of "grace" is my attempt at making a toast more intentional and meaningful while still feeling comfortable to my husband (a self-described "fundamentalist atheist" and someone who really misses the pubs in England). We clink our glasses, and say, "Good wishes for us and good wishes for everyone," and then call out a loud, happy "CHEERS!"

I like the ritual of listening for silence with a special instrument like chimes or a singing bowl. Basically, you just strike the instrument and listen until you can't hear anything - not even the hint of a hum. Then you hold up your hand and smile at the people with you. I think that's a nice way to help even young children start to have intentional quiet time (however short). I haven't figured out a time of day when we could always do this, so I'm eager to hear if you do.

As my son gets older, I'm also trying to think about rituals or traditions that could make service or giving a regular part of our life. I think I might like to have a special day when he could choose a charity to donate to (at his age, I would probably give him two or three choices with large photos and a simple description).

I'm eager to read your friends' responses. I've been thinking of having a section on the River Road website where we can share rituals that families are happy about, so I might borrow the ones your friends share here (if you all don't mind).

[Andrea Grillot]

Robert Fulghum has a book that explores this called From Beginning to End, the rituals of our lives. As our kids get older we are thinking about this too. I think the goal is to do things with intention and purpose and to celebrate life. Everything from going apple picking in the fall and planting seeds in the spring to dyeing milk green on St Patrick's day can be a ritual. Right now, we're working on Tv/Computer free evenings (just one or two a week) to give us time to be with each other in a different way.

[Nookinthewoods.wordpress.com]

Interesting post! I too long for more rituals in my life. It somehow lends more structure to an otherwise unstructured life. I agree with you that the 'focus and deliberate intention of the act' are very important.

Kaif

[sally]

I liked this post, and it is something I'm working on in my own life. Our family started going to the UU church a few weeks ago, and I'm making my own little altar in my room. I've been studying Buddhism for about fifteen years, but three babies later I don't maintain any sort of practice, and I'm going to get back to that.

As far as the children go....Fall has me thinking about more candles, and my children love them. We also keep a nature table which seems to become sort of a children's altar. We have a giant bell outside of our house that we ring when we leave and when we return, a ritual of sorts. Do the girls say a blessing at dinner? I think that is a nice ritual, and you could choose a cool one or write your own. We do the Johnny Appleseed one, but we say Earth instead of Lord.

I'd love to hear about what you come up with.

[Carla]

About a month ago, we started having a "virtue" meeting on the weekends, following the Virtues Project (http://www.virtuesproject.com) - which goes like this. We clean off the dining room table. We lay out a mat. We light a peace candle. We talk about any time this week where we saw a family member doing a virtue. One child picks a virtue from a stack of virtue cards. We role play the virtue. We say an affirmation from the card. We sing a song from Russell's school that he loves ("This is my School"). We blow out the candle and clean up.

This is our attempt at ritual. I'm not sure it changes anyone's behavior, but it's a way of explaining what is expected of each other. We'll see how it goes! It has only been a month.

[ush]

On this Christmas morning I think it only fitting that one ritual we have is in two parts: The generosity of giving coupled with the graciousness of receiving. These two are not bad, but must be tempered with moderation and can be a wonderful lesson and ritual to continue all year. We graciously thank our Auntie, Uncle, and cousins (Brother and sister-in-law and nieces) for their generosity this Christmas. Much love.